OT: Off season sux so let's start a joke thread

[clob94]

Let's see if we can keep this going through the summer to football season. I work in an industry full of sick, twisted fvckers that are highly educated and usually sadistic. Nothing is off limits. Hell, I'm catholic and know all the Catholic jokes there are. I'll start with this one:

How many times does an aggy laugh at a joke? Three- once when it's told. Twice after you explain it. And a third time after he gets it.


Not racy enough for you? Ok....


What does a baby look like after 1 minute in the microwave?


I don't know either. I close my eyes when I masterbate.

 

[Belldozer1]

Perhaps I'm missing the joke on the 2nd one?

 

[FlourBluffHorn]

Originally posted by Belldozer1:

Perhaps I'm missing the joke on the 2nd one?

Ya gotta wait for it Bell!




Hook'em

 

[FlourBluffHorn]

A lawyer is
standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair
of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a
chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in
front of me, do you?"





Hook'em

 

[mikej042002]

Not a joke, but I figure this would be the best place to post this. Just a friendly jab at the horns.............



NEWS
FBI NABS BANK ROBBERY SUSPECT DUBBED 'LONGHORN BANDIT' IN HOUSTON

This is a still image from surveillance video of the bank robbery suspect the FBI dubbed as the 'Longhorn Bandit'

Saturday, February 14, 2015 02:31PM

HOUSTON (KTRK) --The FBI has corralled a bank robbery suspect they dubbed the 'Longhorn Bandit.'

The FBI Houston's Violent Crimes Task Force arrested Willy Cuevas, 31, earlier this week at his Houston home. Investigators say Cuevas is behind five bank robberies in the Houston area.

The five banks - all Chase Banks - were robbed at the following locations and dates.

9/17/2014 12350 FM 1960, Houston, TX
11/05/2014 13103 FM 1960, Houston, TX
11/07/2014 15380 N. Eldridge, Cypress, TX
01/14/2014 18018 FM 529, Cypress, TX
01/14/2014 15380 N. Eldridge, Cypress, TX

Cuevas is charged with five counts of robbery. H could face 2 to 20 years for each of the five counts.

Anyone with additional information about these robberies, or about any bank robbery suspects is asked to call Crime Stoppers of Houston at 713-222-TIPS (8477). A reward of up to $5,000 will be paid for information leading to the charging and arrest of bank robbery suspects.

 

[FlourBluffHorn]

That just got to show ya that Texas has fans in all walks of life Mike!

Hook'em

 

[clob94]

Why does Hellen Keller masterbate with one hand?








So she can moan with the other.

 

[clob94]

Bell..... it's a sick fvcking joke.... mentally disturbed person putting a kid the microwave to get sexually stimulated..... strike one for bell.

 

[CAHorn47]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

 

[happyhookem]

Originally posted by clob94:
Bell..... it's a sick fvcking joke.... mentally disturbed person putting a kid the microwave to get sexually stimulated..... strike one for bell.

That joke obviously applies to okies also.

 

[oldhorn2]

This guy walks in a bar and asks a guy if he would like to hear an aggy joke. The guy he is talking to says...sure...but before you tell it I want to point out that the guy next to me is 6' 3" and weighs 240 and he went to a&m....the guy next to him is 6'3" and weighs 250 and he went to a&m. I want to also point out that I am 6'5" and weigh 265 and I went to a&m....Now are you sure you want to tell an aggy joke?......The guy says " nah....I would have to explain it 3 times"

 

[Godz40Acrez]

Five women are sitting in a room not saying a word.

 

[swVAHorn]

If there was a river of crap separating Texas and oklahoma do you know how to tell which side is which?

There are diving boards on the oklahoma side.




This post was edited on 2/15 8:29 PM by swVAHorn

 

[Godz40Acrez]

There was an Aggie who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide at the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."

He then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"

 

[clob94]

What's the best part about a blow job?

The 10 minutes of silence.


Why do brides wear white?

You want the dishwasher to match the stove and fridge.


What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?

They don't fvcking listen!

 

[clob94]

Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game?

Egypt 8 Ethiopia didn't.

 

[Belldozer1]

Originally posted by clob94:
Bell..... it's a sick fvcking joke.... mentally disturbed person putting a kid the microwave to get sexually stimulated..... strike one for bell.

No I understood what you said and I was hoping that was not the joke but figured it was.

 

[Godz40Acrez]

Coach Strong: Coach Brown, did you order the Clapping?

Deloss Dodds: You don't have to answer that question.

Coach Brown: I'll answer the question! [to Coach Strong] You want answers?

Coach Strong: I think I'm entitled to--

Coach Brown: You want answers?!

Coach Strong: I want the truth!

Coach Brown: You can't handle the truth! [pauses] Son, we live in a world that has coddling, and that coddling has to be given by men with love. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Patterson? I had a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Case, and you curse the Longhorns. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Case's playing, while tragic, probably saved feelings. And my coaching style, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saved feelings. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me coddling, you need me coddling. We used words like soft, nice, lovable. We used these words as the backbone of a life spent coddling something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very coddling that I provided, and then questions the manner in which I provided it. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a teddy bear and give it a hug. Either way, I don't give a darn what you think you are entitled to!

Coach Strong: Did you order the Clapping?

Coach Brown: I did the job I--

Coach Strong: DID YOU ORDER THE CLAPPING?!

Coach Brown: YOU'RE GOSH DARN RIGHT I DID!


This post was edited on 2/16 12:40 AM by Godz40Acrez

 

[clob94]

That was some funny sh!t.

 

[swVAHorn]

How many jews fit in a Volkswagen?

24

2 in front 2 in the back and 20 in the ashtray


Whats a mile long and has 12 teeth?

The line at the oklahoma state fair cotton candy booth.


Why is belldouche such a douche?

Answer ??? Maybe his mom didnt love him? Too much meth? Penis envy?

Some people tell off color jokes it doesnt mean they endorse the joke or dont give it a second thought. I dont think what the germans did to the jews is in any way funny even though I told an off color joke about it.

 

[clob94]

Careful SVHorn---- I wouldn't want people devoid of a sense of humor to label you and "anti-semite"----


3 guys walk into a bar--- A homosexual, a pediphile and a Catholic priest----

Wait----- wait, let me start over----


1 guy walks into a bar...............................



Ya I'm catholic and I can have fun with it.

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake...........................


I would tell you a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me.

 

[swVAHorn]

True clob, I will be more careful.


Whats the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone has been on a 747.


How did the germans defeat Poland so quickly?

They walked in backwards and the Poles thought they were leaving.

 

[swVAHorn]

How are aggy women like computers.

They can and do go down at any time.

 

[Godz40Acrez]

An Aggie decides to raise chickens, so he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

 

[clob94]

What's the difference between women and computers?









You can punch information into computers.

 

[clob94]

So a few aggys decide they want to go ice fishing. They grab their gear and run to the store to buy a saw. They get out in the ice and start sawing their first hole when they hear a booming voice from above say, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The aggys look at each other and shrug and walk over to start sawing another hole in the ice. Again the voice from above says "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!".

Thoroughly vexed, the aggys move to a third spot and start sawing away. Again the voice from above says, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE EITHER!".

One of the aggys stares to the sky and yells, "who keeps saying that?!"

"This is the manager of the Houston Galleria!"

This post was edited on 2/17 10:39 AM by clob94

 

[dj701919]

Originally posted by clob94:
What's the difference between women and computers?








You can punch information into computers.

Violence against women is hilarious

 

[clob94]

Easy PC police--- its a JOKE thread. It's no more hilarious than genocide, molestation by a priest, or dead baby jokes.


But if you can't LAUGH at some things while still keeping in mind that any subject can have levity brought to it from times to time so long as you see the serious side of it when appropriate, well, you're just missing out on life and I am sorry about that.


If the jokes offend you, I am sorry as well--- but much like the E network, there's nothing I want to see on that channel so I never turn to it. Same applies here.

Regards.

 

[clob94]

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows..... they just beat the room for being black.

 

[Metcalf #2]

Lol. If people really get offended by some if these jokes, I'd love to sit by them watching Anthony Jeselnik. Their head would explode!