I didn’t write this. Credit to whoever did. I googled it and found it on Barking Carnival. 20 something years later it seems topical. By the way, I just want the team to win; don’t really care who the QB is.
A Day in the Life of The Applewhite Cultist
10:49 AM Wake up to the sound of answering machine and the caller laughing,"I'm not sure I'm going to name the defense as your message requests, but I did want to say that we've decided to hire another candidate. You are very...umm..enthusiastic. Good luck!" As the caller hangs up, you hear others in the background giggling. Your eyes squint and your lip curls. [censored]! Clearly Simms fans! No wonder they smiled at each other when you showed up at the interview in a #11 jersey and blazer.
10:56 It occurs to you that The Burnt Orange Hitman Posse would be an excellent name for the defense. Scramble for thick pencil and Big Red Indian Chief notebook to write it down. Can't find blank page as pages are filled with Applewhite essays, heart symbols, the phrase MAJOR 4EVER and the adjectives GUTTY, DETERMINED, HEADY and WINNER written over and over with your calligraphy kit. Reread essay entitled "What Major has taught me about love" and reflect on its final line...."Wherever puppies lick jowls, wherever sunflowers grow on windy dales, wherever people will help a stranger......Major will be there."
11:02 AM Morning weeping is finished. Touch Applewhite poster over bed and light candle while assuming a meditation position. You mumble a silent prayer and beg God to end his testing of Major. And for Chris Simms to have a serious industrial accident involving pipe fittings.
11:59 AM Log on to internet. Weave through [censored] analysis and threads about the team. Analysis, facts, analysis, [censored]....it all makes your head hurt. Decide Applewhite post is needed and write the following:
Our offense is joking! Joke! Joke! Look no farther than Chris Sims who is logging into recaveers and has thrown almost five intercepts. I guess it is because we do not want to win.... Other things:
Nathan Vasher is a HORRIBLE punt returner. Hello!? Catch it or whatever.
Our WR's will not catch the ball because Sims throws to hard and it hurts them! I know this because kids used to hum balls at me when I'd loiter to close to the football players in high school wanting to decorate their lockers.
Major's posture was amazing. I was screaming,"Major! Major!" hysterically all game and when he came in his karisma (korisma?) was amazing. He surveyed the field like General Charles De Gaulle or someone.
Hello!?!? Anyone else notice that Redding is a LBer now? I called this two years ago.
Babers. Get him off of the field. He has been embbarasing since the A&M game (which I also pointed out) and is small and slow. I mean, please.
12:56 PM Log back on to post and gauge responses. There are three Aggies and Sooners agreeing with you calling Chris "Chrissy." This is hilarious to you! You roll on the ground laughing. Two Longhorns with extremely exuberant posting names (HornsRockBaby & ChrisRobertsonShould StartBitch!) agree with you. Several Horn fans are calling you a douchebag. This hurts you. How could someone attack a fellow Horn? Aren't we all on the same team? These are the kind of people who talk about the OU game when we should be concentrating on Houston!
1:43 PM Go to South Congress to distribute Applewhite Literature. Ask people,"Have you heard the Good News of Applewhite?" Most people walk quickly away, but a handful of people stay and listen. The people that stay reek of alcohol and take your watch after choking you for a while.
2:08 PM Write the Republic of Suriname and inquire as to the feasibility of purchasing land for a commune. Surinamese officials have thus far ignored requests. Consider coloring in Suriname on world map in blue denoting a Simms controlled sphere of influence.
3:39 PM Watch Applewhite tape. '99 Stanford. Again and agan. Watch Arkansas Cotton Bowl and '00 Tech game to see if you can actually see where Simms fires the pistol at Applewhite's knee. HornsRockBaby told you this on private messages.
4:05PM Log back onto Hornfans. [censored] all over several threads which are trying to discuss Derrick Johnson, the running game or Greg Davis.
4:59 Clip pictures of Applewhite and paste them onto Leo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake's body in Tiger Beat magazine. Feel all funny inside. Walk into bathroom with jar of Helmann's.
7:26 PM Emerge from bathroom whistling and sweating.
8:42 PM Write British consulate asking that Applewhite be knighted. Receive immediate reply! It asks if Major Applewhite fought in the Royal Grenardiers at the siege of Khartoum and what his first name was. Write back telling the Limeys to go [censored] themselves. Add Britain to Simms sphere of influence on world map.
9:07 PM More sobbing.
9:28 PM Sobbing, but now also muttering. Now in fetal position.
9:48 PM Listen to Cheap Trick song "Love Hurts" over and over on your jambox. God, that's exactly what it's like. Cheap Trick is so wise.
10:27 PM Watch Fox Sports newscast. No mention of Applewhite. What a joke!
10:45PM Watch Lifetime channel movie Not Without My Mommy: The True Story of Bessie Silverstein.
Inspired, you begin work on a script for the Major Applewhite story. Begins with opening scene of Chris Simms selling his soul to Lucifer while Applewhite leads Texas to the 1998 National Championship. Script ends with Applewhite walking into factory where you work, picking you up in your babushka and heavy work boots and carrying you out while Chris Simms claps and says,"Way to go Mikey.....way to go."
Place Big Red Chief spiral with completed script in a mailbox addressed to Who It May Concern in Hollywood.
1:43 AM Start making list of how society has wronged you.
1:58 AM Go to bed. Place painted beer carton helmet on head while avoiding dental halo.
Rustle legs under blankets causing static sparks and pretend that you have superpowers.
Sleep Dream of Major. Always.
A Day in the Life of The Applewhite Cultist
10:49 AM Wake up to the sound of answering machine and the caller laughing,"I'm not sure I'm going to name the defense as your message requests, but I did want to say that we've decided to hire another candidate. You are very...umm..enthusiastic. Good luck!" As the caller hangs up, you hear others in the background giggling. Your eyes squint and your lip curls. [censored]! Clearly Simms fans! No wonder they smiled at each other when you showed up at the interview in a #11 jersey and blazer.
10:56 It occurs to you that The Burnt Orange Hitman Posse would be an excellent name for the defense. Scramble for thick pencil and Big Red Indian Chief notebook to write it down. Can't find blank page as pages are filled with Applewhite essays, heart symbols, the phrase MAJOR 4EVER and the adjectives GUTTY, DETERMINED, HEADY and WINNER written over and over with your calligraphy kit. Reread essay entitled "What Major has taught me about love" and reflect on its final line...."Wherever puppies lick jowls, wherever sunflowers grow on windy dales, wherever people will help a stranger......Major will be there."
11:02 AM Morning weeping is finished. Touch Applewhite poster over bed and light candle while assuming a meditation position. You mumble a silent prayer and beg God to end his testing of Major. And for Chris Simms to have a serious industrial accident involving pipe fittings.
11:59 AM Log on to internet. Weave through [censored] analysis and threads about the team. Analysis, facts, analysis, [censored]....it all makes your head hurt. Decide Applewhite post is needed and write the following:
Our offense is joking! Joke! Joke! Look no farther than Chris Sims who is logging into recaveers and has thrown almost five intercepts. I guess it is because we do not want to win.... Other things:
Nathan Vasher is a HORRIBLE punt returner. Hello!? Catch it or whatever.
Our WR's will not catch the ball because Sims throws to hard and it hurts them! I know this because kids used to hum balls at me when I'd loiter to close to the football players in high school wanting to decorate their lockers.
Major's posture was amazing. I was screaming,"Major! Major!" hysterically all game and when he came in his karisma (korisma?) was amazing. He surveyed the field like General Charles De Gaulle or someone.
Hello!?!? Anyone else notice that Redding is a LBer now? I called this two years ago.
Babers. Get him off of the field. He has been embbarasing since the A&M game (which I also pointed out) and is small and slow. I mean, please.
12:56 PM Log back on to post and gauge responses. There are three Aggies and Sooners agreeing with you calling Chris "Chrissy." This is hilarious to you! You roll on the ground laughing. Two Longhorns with extremely exuberant posting names (HornsRockBaby & ChrisRobertsonShould StartBitch!) agree with you. Several Horn fans are calling you a douchebag. This hurts you. How could someone attack a fellow Horn? Aren't we all on the same team? These are the kind of people who talk about the OU game when we should be concentrating on Houston!
1:43 PM Go to South Congress to distribute Applewhite Literature. Ask people,"Have you heard the Good News of Applewhite?" Most people walk quickly away, but a handful of people stay and listen. The people that stay reek of alcohol and take your watch after choking you for a while.
2:08 PM Write the Republic of Suriname and inquire as to the feasibility of purchasing land for a commune. Surinamese officials have thus far ignored requests. Consider coloring in Suriname on world map in blue denoting a Simms controlled sphere of influence.
3:39 PM Watch Applewhite tape. '99 Stanford. Again and agan. Watch Arkansas Cotton Bowl and '00 Tech game to see if you can actually see where Simms fires the pistol at Applewhite's knee. HornsRockBaby told you this on private messages.
4:05PM Log back onto Hornfans. [censored] all over several threads which are trying to discuss Derrick Johnson, the running game or Greg Davis.
4:59 Clip pictures of Applewhite and paste them onto Leo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake's body in Tiger Beat magazine. Feel all funny inside. Walk into bathroom with jar of Helmann's.
7:26 PM Emerge from bathroom whistling and sweating.
8:42 PM Write British consulate asking that Applewhite be knighted. Receive immediate reply! It asks if Major Applewhite fought in the Royal Grenardiers at the siege of Khartoum and what his first name was. Write back telling the Limeys to go [censored] themselves. Add Britain to Simms sphere of influence on world map.
9:07 PM More sobbing.
9:28 PM Sobbing, but now also muttering. Now in fetal position.
9:48 PM Listen to Cheap Trick song "Love Hurts" over and over on your jambox. God, that's exactly what it's like. Cheap Trick is so wise.
10:27 PM Watch Fox Sports newscast. No mention of Applewhite. What a joke!
10:45PM Watch Lifetime channel movie Not Without My Mommy: The True Story of Bessie Silverstein.
Inspired, you begin work on a script for the Major Applewhite story. Begins with opening scene of Chris Simms selling his soul to Lucifer while Applewhite leads Texas to the 1998 National Championship. Script ends with Applewhite walking into factory where you work, picking you up in your babushka and heavy work boots and carrying you out while Chris Simms claps and says,"Way to go Mikey.....way to go."
Place Big Red Chief spiral with completed script in a mailbox addressed to Who It May Concern in Hollywood.
1:43 AM Start making list of how society has wronged you.
1:58 AM Go to bed. Place painted beer carton helmet on head while avoiding dental halo.
Rustle legs under blankets causing static sparks and pretend that you have superpowers.
Sleep Dream of Major. Always.
