Thought-provoking essay by Mark Regnerus, a Contributing Editor of Public Discourse and Professor of Sociology at UT. An excerpt:
www.thepublicdiscourse.com
The Truth about Men, Women, and Sex
October 16, 2023
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By Mark Regnerus
Recent revelations about sexual harassment, assault, and abuse underscore certain blunt realities about men, women, and sex. How can we confront those realities in a way that leads to less sexual violence?
This week, we are celebrating fifteen years of Public Discourse. Our contributing editors have selected their favorite essays from each of our five pillars, and each day this week, we will be resharing one. We hope you enjoy this essay by Mark Regnerus, which originally appeared in PD in December 2017.
The surprising avalanche of publicized sexual misdeeds rolls on, picking up actors, executives, and politicians along the way. What each are guilty of no doubt varies widely. But the court of public opinion is in no mood for fine distinctions.
What interests a sociologist is less the scope of the purge, its timing, or predictions about who’s next than what it all reveals about the social structure of sexual interactions between men and women, and how change here could actually happen. The revelations of late have plenty to do with the exchange model of sexual behavior, which is and will remain an accurate lens through which to understand sex. (There are other sensible lenses, too.)
The “Weinstein avalanche” highlights three stable observations about men, women, and the relationships they form. Ignoring them in the name of virtue signaling will not help. But it may require new perspective to guide our way forward toward less sexual aggression.
Three Blunt—but Essential—Truths
First, men’s sex drives are, on average, stronger and less discriminating than women’s. If this were not true, we would not be talking about this in the first place. Men’s arousal patterns are effective at commanding their attention. With this biological tendency comes not only the next generation, but plenty of present-day risk. Who’s on the sex offender registry? Men. Many seem ready to jeopardize career, marriage, family, and reputation—all because of genital urges. Women’s interest in sex tends to be more diverse in origin and goal. But some, we know, have sex for the social status it may foster—sleeping with a rock star or pro athlete—while a few have sex in order to get ahead. This highlights an aspect of the exchange model many find loathsome—that men can employ their status, and the promise of work or the threat of retaliation, as a resource to help coax (or else gain access in order to coerce) sex from women. Despite how much moderns pine for equality, “(s)ex is an impediment to any idealism,” as one observer recently put it.
Second, men have the upper hand in the contemporary mating market, even as—and partly because—women are flourishing economically and educationally. These are not criticisms; they are observations. This new mating market doesn’t expediently match and move people out of the market (into marriage, which most still desire), but rather seems particularly adept at sexual partner recirculation and relational indecisiveness. A recent exchange with a graduate student contesting my recent Wall Street Journal essay highlights this. She writes:
A woman who has achieved academic success, can earn her own living, can have children without having to entangle herself with a narcissistic infantile male, and has achieved a level of self-esteem that protects her from predatory objectification is disinclined to form a legal partnership with (an unmarriageable man). Like all human beings, she may be willing to engage in sexual activity with such a partner, but if she is wise, she would never consider him a satisfactory life partner.
She’s wrong on three counts. The avalanche of revelations has made clear that no woman is safe from “predatory objectification.” Even sleeping soldiers in uniform aren’t free from it. That women have sex with “a narcissistic infantile male” in return for little or nothing reveals just how much men call the shots today. And when women have sex with whomever they wish, men win, not women: the collective “price of sex” drops and men’s behavior becomes more boorish, expecting sex. Don’t get me wrong; I am not blaming women for this predicament. But the strategy my interlocutor suggests is conducive to nothing except mutual manipulation. There is no dignity and flourishing in that. If this is our future, it will be a lonely and distrustful one.
Third, women are usually physically smaller and weaker than men, and—as already noted—more discriminating in their sexual choices. Hence women are more prone to find themselves in situations of sexual risk with regard to men. The “Me too” hashtag phenomenon bore witness to this. But it also highlighted that one of the unique strengths of women is in their collective action—when they speak and act in unison. It’s happening, and that’s good. But might we expect real, sustained reform? The renewal of a cartel mentality? I wish. It’s unlikely, since the mating market pits women against each other, because the media seem more interested in revelation than in reform, because lawsuits are always a long shot, and because women and men alike continue to affirm choice over chastity.
Women are due not just consent or respect. They are also owed actions and words that consistently uphold their bodily integrity, security, and dignity. This shouldn’t require legal expression. It should be obvious. Unfortunately, it’s not. And sometimes women’s best efforts to repel are not enough. While we must hold men accountable for their actions, how do we lower the risk of such acts in the first place? By adding laws and building jails? That’s one way. By taking to new media to shame old men? That’s another way. But each of these seeks retribution after the fact.
A third way, however, may help reduce incidence by focusing on the social nature of sexual interactions. This approach understands men as embedded in particular situations and not just walking risk factors now meriting wider skepticism and tougher rules. It doesn’t blame the victim. Rather, it equips everyone to discern men’s distinctively situational sexuality. Knowledge is power, and power can spell less downstream grief. That is our shared objective, right?
The Truth about Men, Women, and Sex
Recent revelations about sexual harassment, assault, and abuse underscore certain blunt realities about men, women, and sex. How can we confront those realities in a way that leads to less sexual violence?
www.thepublicdiscourse.com
