I need help. I don't even know what kind, or what to ask for but i'm at the end of my rope. I'm 47, married, with 4 sons 11 and under. Two of the boys are mine from a previous marriage and 2 are my wife's but I love them all as if they are my blood. One of my boys is autistic, non-verbal but is the light of my life. For the past year+ i've suffered in silence. The issue is my wife is an alcoholic who refuses to get help. Her alcohol abuse has lead to many nights of verbal abuse, but the next day she apologizes, promises to do better, etc.. and she usually does...until the next time. That's been the way our relationship has gone for a few years until the 12 months or so. About a year ago she got drunk and we fought about it, as usual, but this time she tore up the house, my office, our TV, etc. It was so bad and I couldn't get her to stop, without physically restraining her and we know how that goes, so I pulled out my phone and filmed it, if for no other reason than to show her the next day what I have to deal with. Next day I get the usual apologies and what not, but she continues to drink. A few months later she gets drunk at the house with people there from her work. One of her coworkers, also drunk, gropes her and I (not drinking) confronted him. She lost her shit and for the first time ever physically attacked me. I knew better than to put my hands on her, I outweigh her by about 70 lbs, so I basically just let her punch and claw me until a couple of her coworkers pulled her away. I took pics of my bloody face and have audio, once again to hope that she would see it the next day and get help, but she refused. She actually did slow her drinking way down for a few months after this, but in the early fall I was out of town (for a Texas game) and while I was gone she left work, got drunk, and had some people from work over. She didn't know it, but we have an Alexa dot hooked up and I could hear everything. Basically for the first time infedelity occurred, or it's more accurate to say would have occurred if I hadn't been driving 120 mph north on I35 to get home. I caught her in the car with the guy about 5 min away from our house. Long story, but she was black out drunk and he took off, and I got a friend of hers to come pick her up. As mad as I was, I couldn't just leave her there in the middle of nowhere with no shoes, wallet, etc... I decided then that either she had to get help or it was over..... and then with the worst timing possible, I was laid off by my company. Some of you may recall me getting on here and discussing my son's medical bills and ABA therapy, wanting to sell some items to try and help pay for it while I was looking for work, and several of you actually donated and helped cover his therapy for November and December which was a god-send. i decided that I couldn't leave or do anything until I was gainfully employed again (banking and mortgage for 20+ years) and she swore that she would quit drinking and wanted to work on things and largely, she has quit drinking. But then i found texts on her phone to another man....sober texts and decision was made. But I'm stuck. I have had almost zero luck finding a job in my field. I've actually been "hired" twice only to be told that the decision was made to pull the req right before I was to start. I've worked a warehouse job, delivery, etc.. but it was barely more than my unemployment which went away. We have a lease on this house until June, but I can't pay for a lawyer right now to even get advice on what to do. I'm behind on everything, bills going on credit cards which are now maxed, no family to speak of, and I'm sitting here about to be homeless. I don't even know why I'm typing all of this here other than this place is the closest to a family that I have and I don't know what to do. I've started to think dark thoughts, but I know they are from the pit of hell. I haven't had a drink myself in 8 months, but all I want to do is buy a bottle of jack, pass out and never wake up. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is my sons. I know they love and adore me and look up to me, but even that kills me because I feel like I've totally mishandled this situation. I was too hopeful. Too forgiving. And now my hopefulness is costing me and I'm at the end of my rope. I don't even know why I'm typing this stream of consciousness or what I'm asking for. Prayers I suppose. Advice. Or a miracle.
