Merry Christmas. From the bottom of my bottle of Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog… from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and your friends and family a very Merry Christmas.
And on Christmas, visit our friends at WYLD GALLERY and get a post-Christmas gift.
In all seriousness, I know this place sometimes uses a scale of cold and ugly on one end and fiery nuclear meltdown on the other, but it truly is a special place. And I hope y’all appreciate the staff I work with as much as I do because their dedication to professionally delivering the best product is unwavering no matter how many bad seasons they must cover.
Consistently, I’m in awe of how the community rallies together in times of need, the relationships built over time among members, and this community’s reach all around the world. Yes, we’re all here because of a shared interest in Texas athletics, but make no mistake, the unmatched community ranks atop the list.
Over time, the destination and target audience might change, but making a Christmas list never gets old. Who doesn’t like getting gifts? In the spirit of Christmas and my favorite Christmas character, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. of Christmas Vacation, I thought we could spend some time making out lists for the Longhorns, the OB Staff, and more. And if we need to kidnap anyone acting as Scrooge, so be it. Let’s begin:
Tom Herman…
Herman’s tenure at Texas has resembled Griswold in a couple ways. First, Griswold’s outrageous Christmas lights bear a resemblance to the Texas program with occasional very bright flashes and a desire to be the biggest and best. But like those lights, Texas has encountered some perplexing issues and the process has undoubtedly been more difficult than it needs to. Plus, we’re pretty sure Herman has kicked a Santa lawn ornament somewhere, but we haven’t found LHN’s video evidence yet. Second, Herman at times reminds us of Griswold’s sledding adventure: capable of setting a land speed record and supremely confident, but sometimes confident to a fault.
Years ago, Herman’s Christmas list was simply to become the head coach of the Longhorns, and he deservedly received that gift. Now, we imagine Herman’s Christmas list included offensive coordinator Mike Yurcich. He’d check all the boxes Herman wants, and wouldn’t create an internet meltdown. Plus, he’s probably one of the best-case scenarios to achieve what tops Herman’s list – winning.
If he keeps headbutting players in helmets, Herman might need a government-issued plate in his head like Cousin Eddie. However, with time to reflect, learn, and mature, the Texas head coach is capable of receiving his gift next season.
Chris Del Conte…
In the Las Vegas-themed sequel of Christmas Vacation, Griswold’s son, Rusty, took Las Vegas by story. With the help of a fake ID and some loud suits, he immediately won big. That’s kind of like Del Conte. He showed up at Texas sharp-dressed, eager to raise money, and was immediately handed millions.
Del Conte’s Christmas list includes no head coaching searches in 2020. He knows a certain Orangebloods writer is scheduled to welcome a son to the family in early April and would probably end up in an asylum if he needed to cover a search in basketball, or baseball or god help him both. Seriously. I want to throw up thinking about that. Coaching searches are worse than being force-fed candy corn for a month.
Anyway, Del Conte wished for millions for new facilities and received them along with a sweet bonus. And he didn’t even need to kidnap anyone. But in his quest for building top 10 programs across the board, Del Conte needs some more magic. For Christmas, he’s crossed out money and moved winning to the top of the list. Or so we think.
Are you sensing a theme here?
Shaka Smart…
Topping Smart’s Christmas list is the best high school dunker I’ve ever seen – Greg Brown III. Beyond Brown’s enormous talent and ideal roster fit for the 2020-21 season, Brown, a five-star from Vandegrift, picking Texas would signal one extremely important thing: Smart’s 2019-20 season wasn’t a failure because that’s ultimately what will determine Brown’s pick.
In the meantime, Smart must prevent Providence from forecasting the upcoming Big 12 schedule and get enough improvement out of this team to win a NCAA Tournament game for a change. Hey, there’s that theme again – wishing for wins.
David Pierce…
Christmas in July happened for Pierce. Literally. Troy Tulowitzki retired and immediately became UT’s hitting coach. Everyone continues to describe the new assistant coach as the “real deal.”
Unlike the other coaches on this list, Pierce has a conference championship and College World Series appearance on his resume. But like the head coaches on this list, he’ll enter 2020 with a lot to prove. Obviously, Pierce is wishing for wins as well, but he’s especially wishing for Trey Faltine to also be the “real deal.”
If Faltine is the player many think he can be, he could propel Texas, and some of his fellow impact freshmen, into Big 12 title contention again.
Sam Ehlinger…
On Ehlinger’s Christmas list is an easy transition with UT’s new offensive coordinator, and a consistent senior season that puts him in New York City early December 2020.
Jordan Whittington and Caden Sterns…
Both elite prospects and high school stars, Whittington and Sterns are wishing for a healthy 2020 spring and season.
Matt Coleman…
Coleman has been better this season, but he leads a team that’s difficult to figure out. Instead of burning down the tree like an oblivious Uncle Lewis, Coleman wishes to ignite a Big 12 campaign that puts him on an all-conference team and his team firmly in the NCAA Tournament without debate.
Gerald Liddell…
Liddell’s list contains one simple request: consistently recapture the overall play he displayed at Purdue when he was arguably the best player on the floor.
Ty Madden…
A more defined, consistent breaking ball is on Madden’s wish list because he knows if that happens, he can make Orangebloods’ baseball writer look smart with a breakout season capable of grabbing eyeballs nationally. Madden’s velocity is reminiscent of Griswold’s Santa and reindeer lawn ornaments when they’re fired into space.
Zach Zubia…
Zubia is definitely on the good side of any Christmas list this season after reshaping his body with an offseason of very hard work. The slugger wishes for a full season at first base to prove he can handle it defensively, and 15-plus homers in the middle of a revamped Texas lineup.
@Ketchum
While Jason Garrett being disposed of like Cousin Eddie’s waste into the sewer is somewhere on Ketch’s list, it’s not at the top. No, he has his eyes on a much, much bigger and more important prize. He’s wishing for Kylian Mbappe at Liverpool.
@Suchomel
Some of the items Suchomel puts on his list every year makes Santa cringe because they’re definitely on the naughty side. How many years in a row can a man wish for whips and chains? Anyway, Suchomel’s wish list includes the Steelers taking a quarterback that can actually play at the NFL level in the 2020 NFL Draft.
@Anwar Richardson
Richardon’s Sunday Pulpit called the Chris Ash hire before it happened. He has a sponsorship for Sunday’s must-read item on his Christmas list. Hook the man up.
@Alex Dunlap
Fantasy football constantly tops Dunlap’s Christmas list, and he was once again on the wrong side of a playoff result in The League. But we think his Christmas list is probably topped with no lines and no bullshit at the local grocery store. He’s got a lot of problems with you people and your lack of awareness and etiquette with your 29 items in the express lane. Cockamamie.
@Armadillo Slim
Less bunts, more dingers.
@drunk randoke
Lifetime supply of liver aid supplement.
@jshorn
KIDDING.
@collinhookem18
A Kody Clemens fathead delivered by Fathead spokesperson Charlie Strong.
@joeywa
A weekend only including the following three items: perfectly prepared wagyu beef, bourbon, and baseball.
@Orbea
The Longhorns making an exciting run to the Sweet 16, and the stock market to act according to his prognostications.
@BigDCuernolargo, @scary jarbro and @TexasMcBizzle
A 60-minute long spree at the world’s best bourbon bar reminiscent of a kid and a shopping cart at Toys ‘R’ Us.
@BlakeSkaggs
A Dallas Stars Stanley Cup*
(unless it comes at the expense of the Pittsburgh Penguins)
@Iceman
More ice and more data.
@ericg320
More .gifs that won’t get him on Santa Suchomel’s naughty list.
@RLong68
A framed Tiger Woods photo signed by Chris Beard.
@danhorn
More .gifs.
@AnwarsFedora
Anwar’s fedora.
@Her costar in the beaver picture
A framed Logjammin’ poster.
@nuufaola
A 2020 football season that won’t wreck his weekends.
@eaglehorn
A trophy. COYS.
@msphorn1616
Twins knocking the Yankees out of the 2020 playoffs.
@Good.Shepherd
Being able to break down Texas’s improved schemes in 2020.
@Dualthreat
Six damn offensive linemen.
@McLovin327
Big Sam back at West Ham.
@Seaflea23
A liftetime supply of Impossible Whoopers.
@unihorn
Obloods valued member gift…. An OB letterjacket.
@pdhitt, @OBRob, @TEXPIMP, @mirvin, @gjman65, @Lady Linda, @Colonel Banana Dark and the rest of the OB Tailgate crew
More tailgate sponsors.
…
I could go on and on for hours, but I’m writing this on Christmas Eve at the local Starbucks because my grandparents have flip phones and not internet. Seriously. They don’t have internet. Time to return to my eggnog and St. Arnold’s Christmas Ale.
I sincerely wish you and your family and friends a Merry Christmas and happy holiday season. Thanks for being a part of our community. Here’s to 2020 not sucking.
And on Christmas, visit our friends at WYLD GALLERY and get a post-Christmas gift.
In all seriousness, I know this place sometimes uses a scale of cold and ugly on one end and fiery nuclear meltdown on the other, but it truly is a special place. And I hope y’all appreciate the staff I work with as much as I do because their dedication to professionally delivering the best product is unwavering no matter how many bad seasons they must cover.
Consistently, I’m in awe of how the community rallies together in times of need, the relationships built over time among members, and this community’s reach all around the world. Yes, we’re all here because of a shared interest in Texas athletics, but make no mistake, the unmatched community ranks atop the list.
Over time, the destination and target audience might change, but making a Christmas list never gets old. Who doesn’t like getting gifts? In the spirit of Christmas and my favorite Christmas character, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. of Christmas Vacation, I thought we could spend some time making out lists for the Longhorns, the OB Staff, and more. And if we need to kidnap anyone acting as Scrooge, so be it. Let’s begin:
Tom Herman…
Herman’s tenure at Texas has resembled Griswold in a couple ways. First, Griswold’s outrageous Christmas lights bear a resemblance to the Texas program with occasional very bright flashes and a desire to be the biggest and best. But like those lights, Texas has encountered some perplexing issues and the process has undoubtedly been more difficult than it needs to. Plus, we’re pretty sure Herman has kicked a Santa lawn ornament somewhere, but we haven’t found LHN’s video evidence yet. Second, Herman at times reminds us of Griswold’s sledding adventure: capable of setting a land speed record and supremely confident, but sometimes confident to a fault.
Years ago, Herman’s Christmas list was simply to become the head coach of the Longhorns, and he deservedly received that gift. Now, we imagine Herman’s Christmas list included offensive coordinator Mike Yurcich. He’d check all the boxes Herman wants, and wouldn’t create an internet meltdown. Plus, he’s probably one of the best-case scenarios to achieve what tops Herman’s list – winning.
If he keeps headbutting players in helmets, Herman might need a government-issued plate in his head like Cousin Eddie. However, with time to reflect, learn, and mature, the Texas head coach is capable of receiving his gift next season.
Chris Del Conte…
In the Las Vegas-themed sequel of Christmas Vacation, Griswold’s son, Rusty, took Las Vegas by story. With the help of a fake ID and some loud suits, he immediately won big. That’s kind of like Del Conte. He showed up at Texas sharp-dressed, eager to raise money, and was immediately handed millions.
Del Conte’s Christmas list includes no head coaching searches in 2020. He knows a certain Orangebloods writer is scheduled to welcome a son to the family in early April and would probably end up in an asylum if he needed to cover a search in basketball, or baseball or god help him both. Seriously. I want to throw up thinking about that. Coaching searches are worse than being force-fed candy corn for a month.
Anyway, Del Conte wished for millions for new facilities and received them along with a sweet bonus. And he didn’t even need to kidnap anyone. But in his quest for building top 10 programs across the board, Del Conte needs some more magic. For Christmas, he’s crossed out money and moved winning to the top of the list. Or so we think.
Are you sensing a theme here?
Shaka Smart…
Topping Smart’s Christmas list is the best high school dunker I’ve ever seen – Greg Brown III. Beyond Brown’s enormous talent and ideal roster fit for the 2020-21 season, Brown, a five-star from Vandegrift, picking Texas would signal one extremely important thing: Smart’s 2019-20 season wasn’t a failure because that’s ultimately what will determine Brown’s pick.
In the meantime, Smart must prevent Providence from forecasting the upcoming Big 12 schedule and get enough improvement out of this team to win a NCAA Tournament game for a change. Hey, there’s that theme again – wishing for wins.
David Pierce…
Christmas in July happened for Pierce. Literally. Troy Tulowitzki retired and immediately became UT’s hitting coach. Everyone continues to describe the new assistant coach as the “real deal.”
Unlike the other coaches on this list, Pierce has a conference championship and College World Series appearance on his resume. But like the head coaches on this list, he’ll enter 2020 with a lot to prove. Obviously, Pierce is wishing for wins as well, but he’s especially wishing for Trey Faltine to also be the “real deal.”
If Faltine is the player many think he can be, he could propel Texas, and some of his fellow impact freshmen, into Big 12 title contention again.
Sam Ehlinger…
On Ehlinger’s Christmas list is an easy transition with UT’s new offensive coordinator, and a consistent senior season that puts him in New York City early December 2020.
Jordan Whittington and Caden Sterns…
Both elite prospects and high school stars, Whittington and Sterns are wishing for a healthy 2020 spring and season.
Matt Coleman…
Coleman has been better this season, but he leads a team that’s difficult to figure out. Instead of burning down the tree like an oblivious Uncle Lewis, Coleman wishes to ignite a Big 12 campaign that puts him on an all-conference team and his team firmly in the NCAA Tournament without debate.
Gerald Liddell…
Liddell’s list contains one simple request: consistently recapture the overall play he displayed at Purdue when he was arguably the best player on the floor.
Ty Madden…
A more defined, consistent breaking ball is on Madden’s wish list because he knows if that happens, he can make Orangebloods’ baseball writer look smart with a breakout season capable of grabbing eyeballs nationally. Madden’s velocity is reminiscent of Griswold’s Santa and reindeer lawn ornaments when they’re fired into space.
Zach Zubia…
Zubia is definitely on the good side of any Christmas list this season after reshaping his body with an offseason of very hard work. The slugger wishes for a full season at first base to prove he can handle it defensively, and 15-plus homers in the middle of a revamped Texas lineup.
@Ketchum
While Jason Garrett being disposed of like Cousin Eddie’s waste into the sewer is somewhere on Ketch’s list, it’s not at the top. No, he has his eyes on a much, much bigger and more important prize. He’s wishing for Kylian Mbappe at Liverpool.
@Suchomel
Some of the items Suchomel puts on his list every year makes Santa cringe because they’re definitely on the naughty side. How many years in a row can a man wish for whips and chains? Anyway, Suchomel’s wish list includes the Steelers taking a quarterback that can actually play at the NFL level in the 2020 NFL Draft.
@Anwar Richardson
Richardon’s Sunday Pulpit called the Chris Ash hire before it happened. He has a sponsorship for Sunday’s must-read item on his Christmas list. Hook the man up.
@Alex Dunlap
Fantasy football constantly tops Dunlap’s Christmas list, and he was once again on the wrong side of a playoff result in The League. But we think his Christmas list is probably topped with no lines and no bullshit at the local grocery store. He’s got a lot of problems with you people and your lack of awareness and etiquette with your 29 items in the express lane. Cockamamie.
@Armadillo Slim
Less bunts, more dingers.
@drunk randoke
Lifetime supply of liver aid supplement.
@jshorn
KIDDING.
@collinhookem18
A Kody Clemens fathead delivered by Fathead spokesperson Charlie Strong.
@joeywa
A weekend only including the following three items: perfectly prepared wagyu beef, bourbon, and baseball.
@Orbea
The Longhorns making an exciting run to the Sweet 16, and the stock market to act according to his prognostications.
@BigDCuernolargo, @scary jarbro and @TexasMcBizzle
A 60-minute long spree at the world’s best bourbon bar reminiscent of a kid and a shopping cart at Toys ‘R’ Us.
@BlakeSkaggs
A Dallas Stars Stanley Cup*
(unless it comes at the expense of the Pittsburgh Penguins)
@Iceman
More ice and more data.
@ericg320
More .gifs that won’t get him on Santa Suchomel’s naughty list.
@RLong68
A framed Tiger Woods photo signed by Chris Beard.
@danhorn
More .gifs.
@AnwarsFedora
Anwar’s fedora.
@Her costar in the beaver picture
A framed Logjammin’ poster.
@nuufaola
A 2020 football season that won’t wreck his weekends.
@eaglehorn
A trophy. COYS.
@msphorn1616
Twins knocking the Yankees out of the 2020 playoffs.
@Good.Shepherd
Being able to break down Texas’s improved schemes in 2020.
@Dualthreat
Six damn offensive linemen.
@McLovin327
Big Sam back at West Ham.
@Seaflea23
A liftetime supply of Impossible Whoopers.
@unihorn
Obloods valued member gift…. An OB letterjacket.
@pdhitt, @OBRob, @TEXPIMP, @mirvin, @gjman65, @Lady Linda, @Colonel Banana Dark and the rest of the OB Tailgate crew
More tailgate sponsors.
…
I could go on and on for hours, but I’m writing this on Christmas Eve at the local Starbucks because my grandparents have flip phones and not internet. Seriously. They don’t have internet. Time to return to my eggnog and St. Arnold’s Christmas Ale.
I sincerely wish you and your family and friends a Merry Christmas and happy holiday season. Thanks for being a part of our community. Here’s to 2020 not sucking.
