OT: Nocturnal Flatulence

[clob94]

So I've been seeing this young lady (fvck I'm old if I'm calling a 34 year old woman "young") and we've been out to dinner a few times, went to an Xmas party with her law firm etc etc. So any way, super attractive, around 5'5, was a Miss San Antonio at one point in her life- a solid first round draft pick.

So we go to dinner last night, she suggests we go have a few drinks after dinner...... I'm cool with that. Great personality, blonde hair, big ...... blue eyes, this girls the consummate career girl that's ready for a family... well spoken, law degree from North Carolina, you get my drift.

So she intimates that after 5 dates that I should come to her house for a night cap. Oooooook...
At her house she opens a bottle of red wine and pours me a scotch.... I'm like "this is too good to be true..... she's got to be a cat lady or black widow murderer or maybe she roofies guys and sells their kidneys on the black market..."

We chat, she starts yawning around 1 am and I ask if I can take a shower. She points me to HER bathroom, not the guest bathroom, and I go take a shower. 10 minutes later I emerge from the shower and she is out like a light in bed.
"That's cool" I say to myself and I crawl in bed.

5am and something wakes me up..... don't know what it is but I realize that we are spooning and I'm thinking "man, I'm really getting into this girl".











And then it happened.








I don't know what disturbed me more, the fact that she farted like a lumberjack after 6 chili burritos, or that it smelled like I just drove by a feed lot in Nebraska, or that she must do it so often that she didn't even wake herself up........ it just ruined it for me guys. Ruined it. It was blindingly putrid. Like "burn your nose and eyes watering" bad.

In ninja fashion, I stealthfully slid out if bed and gathered my belongings and left her a nice note thanking her for the evening......

So my question is------ was that a d!ck move or did I have grounds to bolt? I mean, I'm not an idiot, we all fart, we all poop, I get it. But when something so awful comes out of something so...... gorgeous...... I need to go brush my teeth again.

 

[Cotton #12]

A reality in life and if you do not want to deal with it a second time then move on to another Pasture and since your not in a contract so think what that would involve.Your choice in this matter but doubt the memory will fade anytime soon.

 

[Metcalf #2]

I wouldn't go as far as dick move, but quite possibly a dumb move. It sounded like you were really into this woman. You going to let something that happens in her sleep, something she has no control over, ruin it for you? How do you know she's not just doing some "cleansing" like you do? From your description of her fart it sounds a lot like how you describe yours. At her age, if she's still looking young and hot, it's quite possible there's something healthy in her diet that helps her stay that way. As you know, some healthy things can cause some downright offensive gas. So you want the looks? You might have to man up and deal with the occasional mustard gas detonation.

Now put yourself in her shoes. What if it was her that experienced one of your cleansing farts in your sleep, and she got the f*ck outta dodge like a navy seal? Would you want her judging you because you're cleansing yourself and you farted in your sleep, something you have no control over? I'm quite sure if this relationship went anywhere, she'd end up on the losing side of the gas wars anyway. So, like I said, if she's somebody that could be really special, man the f*ck up and deal with it. Keep a clothes pin on the nightstand. Lol.



Goddamit, have I mentioned that spring football can't get here soon enough?

 

[LonghornMM]

Clob, I think it's just a rumor that hot women poop or fart. In my opinion, they should just pee and smell good, lol. I just can't picture a smokin' hot woman taking a dump or farting. Only men should do that and our woman should laugh with us and encourage us to do more.

I'm with you. I would have gotten outta Dodge after that too, lol.

 

[Fizzwilly]

I can't imagine something like that bothering a Longhorn.

 

[FlourBluffHorn]

Was it like this clob?





Hook'em

 

[clob94]

Metcalf,

I laughed so fvcking hard dude! I'm still laughing.....

 

[RoboCocks21]

Man clob you are acting like a big girl. A little fart, when all I hear is good things until a little fart throws you off. At least this girl is real and you know she can fart and poop and she does hide it from you until one little slip up. And then she has to deal with you little miss diva clob. Get the f over it and for once you are with a real girl. And you as well have been dating her for this long so it seems you finally found someone to put up with you. Isn't this the same girl that cooked in a thong in the kitchen while you watched a game? Your not getting any younger old man. Who knows how long you can keep it up unless you look like George Clooney. Grow a sack and get the f over it! No offence by the way haha

 

[txn_in_wa]

Deal with it clob. It's a fart. And everyone does it. It's kinda funny, my wife hates it when I fart, but when she does it, it is funny. We all pass gas. It happens. Did you hear about the aggy that farted so much his head caved in? Now that's farting.

 

[Cotton #12]

Clob, I would like to nominate your post as the most gross of the year and would not wish on any guy so I would hope we could move on to something more important like Texas Football and Texas Sports,hanging around a female who smells like a cattle or pig pen is rather repulsive and if you do not like it then leave the premise like you did.

 

[swVAHorn]

I can't imagine something like that bothering a Longhorn.

Not bad Fizz.

 

[clob94]

Clob, I would like to nominate your post as the most gross of the year and would not wish on any guy so I would hope we could move on to something more important like Texas Football and Texas Sports,hanging around a female who smells like a cattle or pig pen is rather repulsive and if you do not like it then leave the premise like you did.

It hurt my soul bro. For the first time in years I was contemplating slowing down with work and starting to do the relationship thing instead of just the "fun" thing--- and if it had just been a sleeping "poot", I know I'd have reacted differently. But dude, it was a full on chainsaw thunder earthquake room shaker. I'm trying to get over it. As Metcalf said, I'm sure I've pushed out worse in my sleep.

 

[ericg320]

pay back

 

[Cotton #12]

I would send her some Glade,drive on and get back to work.

 

[Son of Wasatch]

Here is a little advise for you





Buy her some of this

 

[clob94]

Wasatch----- brilliant!


That last one about the poopourri is fantastic!

 

[Son of Wasatch]

Good!!!

Now go out there and seal the deal!!!