How bad was your holiday?
Gather round boys and girls. It's story time.
1st holiday in the new house. Did Thanksgiving and had my girls mom, brother and uncle over. Easy. Did porterhouses on the new traeger, asparagus, potatoes-- it was killer. Folks raised in Alamo Heights were gnawing on bones-- literally. Then everybody got the fvck up and outta my house.
Then the fvcking HO HO holiday rolls around. My girl informs me that her brothers kid will be coming from Zona-- he's divorced and she moved back to her hometown.
"Cool" I think. We'll put them in the jack and Jill. Then I'm informed that her momma will be staying as well.
Huh...... OK, she can stay upstairs in the guest suite. I've got a movie room, full bathroom, full bedroom-- all good.
Then I'm informed that some husband and wife she used to work with is driving down from fvcking Iowa because his momma is sick and he hasn't seen her in two years. I'm Then informed that Iowa and his wife will be sleeping upstairs. Brother and nephew (age 10) get the jack, and her mom gets the Jill.
Mmmmk....
Her momma arrives and proceeds to head upstairs (I told her a while back if she ever stayed over that she could just "have the entire upstairs"...) and finds out that no that ain't the case-- and she's madder than Mad Jack McMad.
Chaos ensues. This is Xmas eve btw...... around 10 am.
Things are off to a stellar start.
Then I find out that her 10 year old nephew is DEATHLY allergic to any nuts at all, and only likes eating bean and cheese tacos, or cheese pizza..............
Around noonish-- Mr and Mrs Iowa show up and--- she put it mildly by saying "I don't remember them being that fat...."
Mr Iowa walks in with his alabaster skin and sunken eyes and I can tell this dude is about one DQ blizzard away from a diabetic coma. Mrs Iowa is EASILY 3 and a half bills-- and wearing braces. Like getting her teeth fixed will make folks not notice that neck that has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
5 people are now spending the night in my house. 7 and a half if we are going by weight.
Hooo fvcking ray.
Xmas morning-- I start the boudain stuffed turkey at 6am. Her family is up wanting me to also make French toast....... while I'm simultaneously cooking Xmas late lunch.
Around noon 30, both Iowas come lumbering down the steps. Each hoof on the hard wood floors sounding more and more ominous. Ms Fatburger tells me that she's starving and would love some French toast--- even though I put that sh!t up 4 hours ago.
"Sorry. All out of challah bread...." I tell her, with a half a loaf in the pantry that I must now block her from going into......
The two fat backs know they ain't getting breakfast and they know they ain't getting lunch with us-- so they robe themselves and head to his mommy's house.
We eat lunch, then the two of us load up and drive 2 hours to my mom's house so we can do Xmas with her and my family the next day. I wake up at 5 am and start the prime rib.
Yes-- we left our house full of visitors.
Sunday night, we return home and her family has evacted and fat iowas have somehow managed to fvck up my brand new 84 inch Samsung smart TV. This is a 7 fvcking thousand dollar tv-- and these two land walrus have managed to make it where it doesn't turn on.
I go to bed Sunday night. Pissed.
Monday-- Mr iowa rolls downstairs around noon. I've managed to reset the TV and am reprogramming it. Mr iowa walks over to my fridge, opens the door and starts window shopping for a good 2 minutes--
Finally (I'm trying to be nice) I said "my man, what are you doing?"
His reply--- "I'm looking for my insulin."
Turns out, after I took EVERYTHING out of my fridge, Mr Fat fvck had put his insulin in the OTHER fridge in the laundry room......................... he just forgot.
Monday night-- I get home, crack a beer and start watching football. The twin iowas show up around 930pm and he asks if he can make a drink and watch football with me. I say ok.... and homeboy proceeds to go over to his wife's duffle-purse and emerges with a bottle of...... wait for it....... Mountain Fvcking Dew...
He then grabs a formal TEA GLASS OUT OF THE CHINA HUT---- heads to the ice machine and fills it full with ice and half full of mountain dew. Then he grabs the bottle of Rebecca Creek whiskey and fills the rest of the glass.
I'm done. Little did I know, I wasn't done. .
*Ding dong* the doorbell rings. I live in a gated community-- so who the fvck could this be? I know 2 neighbors so, surely it's one of them.
Nope.
Arkansas and her daughter who is special needs.
"I swear, I told you she was coming with her daughter. It's OK, because iowa and Mrs Iowa leave tomorrow...."
I breathe a sigh of relief.... until about 20 minutes later. Iowa informs us that his momma has taken ill and they will need to stay until THURSDAY. For those of you that can't add, they got here last Friday, and are leaving Thursday. That's a fvcking week.
Yesterday morning-- I'm up at 5, to the gym- took clothes with me, and spent the entire day watching movies at the IMAX and drinking beer. I can't be around these people today.
Last night I come home around 10pm. Iowa sloths aren't home yet. I stay up until 1am-- when they finally roll in.
"You didn't have to wait up." They said.
"Yes I did. I'd have been awakened by you, not fully cognizant yet, grabbed my gun thinking you were intruders, and killed the both of you. Sorry......"
He proceeds to pour himself a mountain dew with Rebecca creek and pours her a Big Red with Malibu rum. I gag and go to bed.
This morning I had a 9am Dr appointment. Yearly physical. My girl is going with me so we can run some errands after and grab some lunch.
7:45-- I'm watching the news when iowa comes downstairs.
"Do you have a plunger?"
Fvck.
I am certain he's clogged the toilet.
I go through every room of the house (except the guest rooms where Arkansas and Special needs are sleeping....) and determine that I do NOT have a plunger.
As I walk back into my kitchen where Mr Iowa is, he's leaning up against my granite counter top and proceeds to pass gas like a fvcking dock worker. Dude even makes a face when he does it.
I stop, look at him and said "dude, you just clogged my toilet and you've STILL got gas..?"
Dude doesn't bat an eye...
"My wife clogged it."
I explain to him that we've got no plunger but Lowe's is 2 miles that way and they are already open. He says, casually, with a yawn-- "I'll go grab one when we leave and take care of it when we get back tonight.....".
Ya.
Then he turns and walks back upstairs.....
These are HER friends-- so I'm not going to tell them to get the fvck outta my house... so I go back into the bathroom and my girl is in the shower. I tell her the story.
She's fvcking pissed. She texts homeboy to get off his fat ass and go buy a plunger. No response.
I run over to Lowe's on 1604, buy an industrial plunger and head home. I walk up the stairs and open the door to the media room. I turn to go down the hall and I can hear these two fvcking orcas sleep apnea snoring. One sounds like a sputtering chainsaw, the other sounds like a 4 wheel drive's muffler buried in mud.
He clogs my sh!tter then goes back to bed...
I leave the plunger on the floor at the base of the door hoping they will trip over it, fall and break their hips.
I go to my physical fvcking livid. I'm 120 over 80 blood pressure guy 24/7. After clocking a 180 over 115 my doctor gave me a half hour to cool off before he checked it again. I did not go home until this evening.
I walk in the door and Special needs wants me to play parcheesi..... I don't want to play fvcking parcheesi with anyone-- let alone a special needs person.
Not trying to be a dick-- but I want to be left alone. Mr Iowa wants to know what's for dinner..... I tell him I already ate. He asks if he can go buy some stuff and cook in my kitchen....... that was it for me. Last straw.
"You touch anything in my kitchen, and I'll stab you to death with your insulin needles." So the beached whales went out for dinner.
They just arrived back and he apologized to me. My retort "what time are you leaving tomorrow?".
He says 930am. I tell him he might want to be on the freeway a little earlier because of traffic. Like 5am early.
Special needs just asked if I'd make her some cocoa. I can't because it appears that Fat Iowas used all the milk in their 6 cups of coffee this morning...... when they finally got up. How do I know it was 6 cups? Because there's 6 used K-pods sitting on the fvcking counter next to the Kuering.
Special needs and Arkansas leave Saturday. I'm done with visitors for a while.
Clob out.
