I know OB isn’t my diary but I can’t tell my family, I cannot tell my child obviously, I cannot tell my girlfriend. But I am scaring myself, I’m just tired. I've been here for over 20 years, I'll try to vent here...the VA absolutely doesn't work.
Everyone equally afraid, equally miserable. Forced to do horrible things in order to survive. The choices we make. Between their violent world and our somewhat peaceful one. I had to become them and their violence, had to project even greater violence. I ****ing cry at red lights when I think about this shit. They teach you how to compartmentalize all the pain while your active, just kill one more man, woman or child and it’s victory! They never teach you how to decompress and decompartmentalize.
Getting laid off absolutely didn’t help. Now financial burdens weigh heavy. Everything is just happening at once, so much internal turmoil and pain, I was so strong for so many ****ing years and now I'm typing on a ****ing keyboard to people I've never even met.
Everyone equally afraid, equally miserable. Forced to do horrible things in order to survive. The choices we make. Between their violent world and our somewhat peaceful one. I had to become them and their violence, had to project even greater violence. I ****ing cry at red lights when I think about this shit. They teach you how to compartmentalize all the pain while your active, just kill one more man, woman or child and it’s victory! They never teach you how to decompress and decompartmentalize.
Getting laid off absolutely didn’t help. Now financial burdens weigh heavy. Everything is just happening at once, so much internal turmoil and pain, I was so strong for so many ****ing years and now I'm typing on a ****ing keyboard to people I've never even met.
