So... here's how the '25-'26 season plays out, says my big, crystal balls:
Arch goes into the shoe and starts this thing off with fireworks. Simmons and Hill unleash hell while every couch in columbus burns. Billy goes on TexAgs and desperately beats the "tOSU lost a lot, Texas got lucky with scheduling (time of game and before tOSU retools) and the pending #1 ranking is premature and undeserved" drum. Later that night, UTSA is up on aggy going into halftime... and every sheep in College Station fears for its life. Texas runs through SJSU, UTEP and Sam Houston 195-2 and is the undisputed number 1 team in the nation going into Gainsville. Meanwhile, aggy struggles against UTSA and Utah State, gets boat raced by Notre Dame in front of Touchdown Jesus and then wins a nail biter against Auburn. Still not ranked.
Texas then punches Florida in the dick, demolishes OU, Kentucky and Miss. State. Aggy, fresh off that huge "program defining win" against never-has-been Auburn, goes on to beat Miss. State, squeezes by Florida and beats Arky because they always do.... and the aggys slip into the top 25. But the Furk Coaster starts in late October this year when LSU avenges their raped livestock by going in dry on aggy in Baton Rouge. Texas #1 in the nation at 8-0. Aggy unranked at 6-2.
Texas beats Vandy at home... but loses their first (and ONLY) game of the season to the Dawgs in a fun, back and forth game. Aggy proceeds to lose to Missouri and South Carolina. Texas #5 in the nation at 9-1. Aggy unranked at 6-4. Meanwhile, Billy and TexAgs are bashing Sankey for the lack of Texas road night games and ESPN for the CONSTANT Texas/Arch/Sark love... as they sit in their shitty apartment, in a shitty town ... despararte, lonely and miserable. The Big 10 never looked so good.
Texas beats the brakes off arky in response to the Georgia loss and the aggys cruise by Samford. BUT, BUT... Samford's mascot is a Bulldog... so that's the same as beating Georgia, who just beat Texas... so there's a chance in Austin, right? Right???
No. Nope. In a manner similar to this past year, the Texas defense absolutely stifles Reed and makes him look like a back-up for the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs. 38-0 Texas. Billy lives in bookmark hell, constantly walking back his knocks on Texas, Arch, etc... eating pink dildos all over X.
Texas avenges their 3 game skid against the Dawgs and takes home the SEC title 27-17. Texas fans everywhere blow up their social media, aggy fans everywhere shrink deeper into their misery. Every day they are forced to remember their hopeless plight, avoiding eye contact like a 12 year old boy pulling his sweater down over his pissed on pants.
Texas goes 3-0 in the playoffs, with victories over Notre Dame, Bama and Oregon in the National Championship game. Aggy loses to SMU in a bowl game and SMU celebrates like they won a Superbowl. Arch officially becomes THE FACE of College Football in winning the Heisman and the NC. He shocks the world when he decides to run in back in Austin for another year. Billy cries and spends the off season watching movies from the '80s, a better time to be an aggy... if that's a thing.
My balls don't lie. Book it. LFG.
Arch goes into the shoe and starts this thing off with fireworks. Simmons and Hill unleash hell while every couch in columbus burns. Billy goes on TexAgs and desperately beats the "tOSU lost a lot, Texas got lucky with scheduling (time of game and before tOSU retools) and the pending #1 ranking is premature and undeserved" drum. Later that night, UTSA is up on aggy going into halftime... and every sheep in College Station fears for its life. Texas runs through SJSU, UTEP and Sam Houston 195-2 and is the undisputed number 1 team in the nation going into Gainsville. Meanwhile, aggy struggles against UTSA and Utah State, gets boat raced by Notre Dame in front of Touchdown Jesus and then wins a nail biter against Auburn. Still not ranked.
Texas then punches Florida in the dick, demolishes OU, Kentucky and Miss. State. Aggy, fresh off that huge "program defining win" against never-has-been Auburn, goes on to beat Miss. State, squeezes by Florida and beats Arky because they always do.... and the aggys slip into the top 25. But the Furk Coaster starts in late October this year when LSU avenges their raped livestock by going in dry on aggy in Baton Rouge. Texas #1 in the nation at 8-0. Aggy unranked at 6-2.
Texas beats Vandy at home... but loses their first (and ONLY) game of the season to the Dawgs in a fun, back and forth game. Aggy proceeds to lose to Missouri and South Carolina. Texas #5 in the nation at 9-1. Aggy unranked at 6-4. Meanwhile, Billy and TexAgs are bashing Sankey for the lack of Texas road night games and ESPN for the CONSTANT Texas/Arch/Sark love... as they sit in their shitty apartment, in a shitty town ... despararte, lonely and miserable. The Big 10 never looked so good.
Texas beats the brakes off arky in response to the Georgia loss and the aggys cruise by Samford. BUT, BUT... Samford's mascot is a Bulldog... so that's the same as beating Georgia, who just beat Texas... so there's a chance in Austin, right? Right???
No. Nope. In a manner similar to this past year, the Texas defense absolutely stifles Reed and makes him look like a back-up for the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs. 38-0 Texas. Billy lives in bookmark hell, constantly walking back his knocks on Texas, Arch, etc... eating pink dildos all over X.
Texas avenges their 3 game skid against the Dawgs and takes home the SEC title 27-17. Texas fans everywhere blow up their social media, aggy fans everywhere shrink deeper into their misery. Every day they are forced to remember their hopeless plight, avoiding eye contact like a 12 year old boy pulling his sweater down over his pissed on pants.
Texas goes 3-0 in the playoffs, with victories over Notre Dame, Bama and Oregon in the National Championship game. Aggy loses to SMU in a bowl game and SMU celebrates like they won a Superbowl. Arch officially becomes THE FACE of College Football in winning the Heisman and the NC. He shocks the world when he decides to run in back in Austin for another year. Billy cries and spends the off season watching movies from the '80s, a better time to be an aggy... if that's a thing.
My balls don't lie. Book it. LFG.
