Warning: This entire section is written this week by a very cranky person. A drugged up, nauseous, cranky person at that.
Try as he might, my oral surgeon hasn't given me access to enough hydrocodone to put a smile on my face in the last week.
Therefore, it feels like I needed to give as many warnings as possible.
Full transparency.
Over the course of the last six weeks, Texas head coach Tom Herman has had nothing but time to put together his dream team of assistant coaches, the kind of group that should have been assembled in his first six months on the job and the kind that can assure that his program finally gets a little higher off the ground than a 30-pound chicken running from the man chasing him with a butcher's knife.
With the addition of Chris Ash and Mike Yurcich, Herman finished the heaviest of his lifting with a couple of hires that represent upgrades over the Todd Orlando/Tim Beck combo, which represents an upgrade within the program, regardless of the letter-grade you choose to give the pair.
What remains is filling out the guts of the program, as Herman looks to replace like likes of Drew Mehringer, Corby Meekins, Derek Warehime, Jason Washington and Craig Naivar - names that mostly made it to the apex of college football coaching in the state of Texas because of their previous connections to UT’s head coach. The goal for Herman with those five remaining spots is to find five of the best assistant coaches that money can buy - guys that can make an impact on the field with regards to developing players, but also difference makers on the road in recruiting.
Of those five spots that remain open appears to be designated for former Rutgers defensive coach Jay Valai. On one hand, I'm completely understanding of this hire because Ash needs a right-hand man that he trusts that is capable of helping install the new defensive ideologies without attending a coaching seminar in the process. Plus, Valai brings some Texas roots to the table and votes of confidence from multiple trainers in the state that go by nicknames instead of their legal names.
On the other hand, it's fair to ask if Valai would have a job in college football right now if not for his relationship with his friend Ash, a truth that has proven to be somewhat problematic in recent years for a Texas program that keeps paying top dollars for coaches who are only on Texas football staffs because of those that they know, rather than those that they've coached.
Another coach that appears to be on the verge of joining the Texas assistant coaching staff is former KSU assistant and Texas analyst Andre Coleman. On paper, Coleman looks to be a perfectly solid college football coach, yet if we look at his resume you'll be hard-pressed to find an impact recruit he's ever had a real hand in landing. If viewed through a vacuum, Coleman looks rock solid, but is he really the best that Tom Herman can do or is this another case of Herman hiring the person in his contact lists that he already communicates the most with?
After all, if Coleman was the most qualified wide receivers coach on campus for the last 12 months, why did it take a season going off the rails to get him involved in the capacity that he ultimately needed to be involved in?
Look, I'm not complaining as much as I'm admitting that Herman's history of staff hiring requires some inspection and just a smidge of inspection thus far is enough to raise the eyebrows. If these two coaches weren't on the verge of being hired by Herman, would either be coaching in a power five conference this season? Very possibly, I suppose, but Coleman wasn't a year ago and Valai only has a single year under his belt at one of the worst programs in the country.
That makes what happens with the next three hires incredibly critical.
Herman needs a trio of bangers from here on out that don't require wikipedia searches. When Anwar Richardson mentioned last week that former NCAA recruiting rainmaker Tosh Lupoi was under consideration for one of the vacant spots, fans put away their keyboard searches, instead channeling their favorite inner WWE celebrations.
Coach, I know I'm cranky. I know I'm the kind of second-guessing sonofabitch that you're prone to loath. Hell, as the lowest-rated member of the Orangebloods staff among his own subscriber base, it's probably fair to call me a sonofabitch whether I'm in second-guessing mode or not.
Yet, after 25 years of covering Texas football and college football in general, I know what a championship coaching staff looks like when I see it and I know when a staff isn't up to that level.
All I'm saying is that this is a fan base that would love to be impressed and up until now, it's pretty much starving.
No. 2 - For those keeping score at home ...
Here's where the departed 2019 Texas coaches have landed in the last six weeks:
QB/OC Tim Beck (new OC/QB coach at NC State)
WR Drew Mehringher (co-OC/WR coach at Florida Atlantic)
WR Corby Meekins (Moved to Texas administration)
TE Derek Warehime (Offensive coordinator at New Mexico)
DC Todd Orlando (Linebackers coach at Texas Tech)
CB James Washington (Undecided)
S Craig Naivar (Undecided/possibly headed to Texas Tech)
No. 3 - Tougher Nights Ahead ...
Unlike many of you on Saturday night, I actually watched the Texas men's basketball team over the NFL.
I can't say that there's much from the game that I remember much of as I sit here and write about it, but I did watch it. I suppose the thing that stood out more than anything else was the double-clutch three-point make at the buzzer from Kemeka Hepa that gave the Longhorns a 4-point lead at halftime.
The next thing I know I was watching Xander Cage get into Anarchy 99 on some cable station and when I flipped back to the Texas game, the Longhorns were up by double-digits and that was that.
I then went Back to XXX (The movie) before shutting down for the night.
All that mattered for the Longhorns in this game was getting the much-needed "W" because it's NCAA Tournament dreams (and I do mean dreams) are starting to run out of wiggle room. With games at Oklahoma State and at home against Kansas this week, the Longhorns are potentially staring at an 11-6 overall record and a 1-4 mark in conference play by the time I write about the team again next week.
At some point Texas has to start stealing a game or two it isn't expected to steal, especially after the loss at home to Oklahoma this week.
Anyone want to put some cash on the Longhorns plus the points against the Jayhawks?
No. 4 - Speaking of teams needing more wins ...
With 2:08 left to go on the road in Morgantown on Sunday, Karen Aston's Longhorns appeared to be on the verge of stealing a conference road game against a ranked team that would help make up for the conference-opening loss to TCU last week.
Up 64-60, the Longhorns just couldn't execute well enough with the game on the line to sneak out of town with a win, failing to make a single field goal in those final two minutes of action.
On any given day, this is a team that can beat the very best and lose to the pretty good. Over the course of a long season, it remains to be seen where it's going to get this team.
No. 5 – BUY or SELL …
(Sell) I can't buy that kind of question just yet with no real basis for doing so outside of blind hope.
(Sell) Not if this team misses the tournament ... again.
(Sell) There's a ways to go, but I don't know that I can say with certainty that Jay Valai is better than Jason Washington. The good news is that it's possible that it'll be a yes everywhere else.
(Sell) I think Devin Duvernay became his own category of player that people will be comparing other players to and I'm not sure that just being the best underrated senior on the roster to emerge as a quality player is enough.
(Buy) Seven days out of the week and twice on Sunday.
(Buy) I'm thinking 1,000+ yards and Big 12 Newcomer of the Year honors.
(Buy) Yeah, I'll go with that, although I think the defensive line room deserves a shout out as a possibility.
(Sell) I know why the question is being asked, but I just don't think it happens.
(Buy) That seems reasonable.
(Buy) I'm not sure why you think I'd answer otherwise. Duh.
(Sell) That's not a benefit of the doubt anyone should be ready to give right now.
No. 6 - Give me Joe Burrow all day long ...
I'm not underrating Dabo. I'm not underrating Trevor. I'm not underrating Clemson's 29-game winning streak.
I rate them all perfectly fine.
What I'm choosing to put my belief in is a quarterback in Joe Burrow that is not only having one of the best seasons any player has ever known in NCAA history, but it's helped create a team that I believe will go down as one of the best the sport has ever known.
Write it in ink.
LSU 44 Clemson 31
No. 7 - Dear Houston Texans fans ...
I honestly don't know what to write.
At 24-0, I was ready to lay on the praise so thick and sweet, that you'd have thought you'd received an invite to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
By halftime, I was worried about the safety of every friend and family member in the Houston area?
Now?
Now?
Now I'm just going to shut the hell up.
No. 8 - Five Other Thoughts on This Weekend's NFL Playoff Games ...
a. Lamar Jackson has entered "Romo territory" after his loss this weekend to the Titans. It won't matter what he does in the regular season from here on out until he gets the playoff monkey off his back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming him for what happened this weekend, but the way of the NFL is to blame the quarterback at all costs.
b. I'm trying to remember the last running back like Derrick Henry that's pretty much the scariest human being in the league and capable of carrying a team to the Super Bowl. Is it Terrell Davis?
c. Ryan Tannehill completed seven passes for 88 yards and Aggies are acting like he brought the Ravens down by himself. It's going to take more than that in Kansas City next week.
d. I really, really want to like the 49ers because I'm a big fan of Kyle Shananan, but knowing that my father is in a suite at the 49ers stadium having the time of his life is making it very difficult for me. Deep down, I want the 49ers' season to end like Houston's.
e. In post-prime Aaron Rodgers, I must trust.
No. 9 - Updated Oscars favorites ...
I still have a lot of movies I need to knock out, from Marriage Story to The Two Popes to 1917 to Little Women ...
Yet, since Oscar nominations come out this week, here's a look at where things stand for me going into the announcements.
Best Picture:
1. Parasite
2. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
3. The Irishman
4. Joker
5. It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Lead Actor:
1. Joaquin Phoenix, “Joker”
2. Leonardo DiCaprio, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”
3. Eddie Murphy, "Dolemite is My Name"
4. Matthew Rhys, “It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood ”
5. Timothée Chalamet, "The King"
Lead Actress:
1. Renee Zellweger, “Judy”
2. Lupita Nyong'o, “Us”
3. Beanie Feldstein, “Booksmart”
4. Constance Wu, "Hustlers"
5. Emma Thompson, "Late Night"
Supporting Actor:
1. Brad Pitt, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”
2. Al Pacino, "The Irishman"
3. Joe Pesci, "The Irishman"
4. Tom Hanks, “It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
5. Song Kang-Ho, "Parasite"
Supporting Actress:
1. Jo Yeo-Jeong, "Parasite"
2. Margot Robbie, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”
3. Da'Vine Joy Randolph, "Dolemite is My Name"
4. Julia Butters, "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood"
5. Elisabeth Moss, "Us"
Director:
1. Quentin Tarantino, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”
2. Joon-HoBong, "Parasite"
3. Martin Scorsese, "The Irishman"
4. Marielle Heller, “It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”
5. Jordan Pelle, “Us”
No.10 - And finally...
I thought we could all use something beautiful and inspiring to end the column with this week...
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