The current debacle that is University of Texas Football can still be laid squarely in the lap of one individual-- good ol' Steve "jet pack" Patterson. Because Steve wanted to show the world how virtuous and compassionate he was, how much more intelligent he was than you mayonnaise sandwich eating Neanderthals, he decided to set off a chain of events that have woven their way like an arthritic grandma knitting spaghetti, into a now seemingly irreversible quagmire of which there seems to be no escape.
I feel like the old navy astronomer that discovered the asteroid coming to end the earth in the movie "Armageddon". Since he discovered it, it was his right to name it, and he chose to name it after his wife, Doris. "A life sucking b!tch from which there is no escape."
This was our asteroid. Patterson was its name. He cratered a once proud athletic department that at one time was named Sports Illustrated program of the year. We won national titles in baseball and football in the same calendar year. We had a final four team in basketball not long before that. We pumped out NBA and NFL first rounders like the creature pumped out eggs in "Aliens". Pro-bowl linebackers, defensive backs, offensive lineman, defensive lineman-- point guards, power forwards-- faces of NBA franchises. We were a force. A dominant force. We even produced arguably the best gold medal women's softball pitcher of, dare I say, all time.
But in one soul sucking blow, Steve Patterson leveled us like Nagasaki on a bad hair day. All in the name of what? Proving a point? What point did you actually prove, Steven? That an idiot can indeed blow up a tank just as easily with a well placed land mine as a terrorist can? Because that's what you did, you smarmy piece of navel lent-- you managed to not just derail one of the most successful athletic departments of all time-- oh no sir-- you went Sherman-esque and burned it down all the way to ocean. Then as a parting shot, you salted the earth where the ashes fell. Now the rest of the world takes joy in actually standing in line to pee on those ashes.
Don't believe me? Do a quick walk through on Twitter or in the media. Since your hire and subsequent early departure for a litany of fart sniffing level acts of dumbfvckery, this university has become the absolute butt of every joke imaginable in the world of collegiate sports. We've passed the level of punchline and moved on to the gutter. We are a meme now. Think about that. How long does something have to be funny or made fun of before it's reintroduced into the lexicon of society as a meme. That's the impact you've had on this university Steve-o. You were so "great" at your job that UT is now reduced to a fvcking meme. A once proud hand gesture of hands and horns held high has now been turned downward and used against us more than the ubiquitous middle finger is. Let me break down for the stoopids---
When you kick people's asses on the regular, they get tired of it. Eventually they know when you roll into town, it's BOHICA time. (Bend Over Here It Comes Again)
They hate you for it. They hate you because they want to beat you. Their hate can only be summed up by one simple hand gesture-- a mighty middle finger pointed right at you. That's frustration. That's a sense of helplessness. That's "they are better than we are and I can't fvcking stand it!".
That's the psychological dominance that we once had in the great arena of a football stadium.
Now, well now it's all gone. Whipping Texas' ass? Flash them a horns down. Score a last second TD to rip their hearts out? Give them a horns down on the way to the sidelines. Kick a FG to win in overtime? Horns down as they carry the kicker off the field. Sports channel wants to rub it in? Show fans in the stand flashing horns down and then, just to guild that lilly a bit more, show UT fans doing the surrender cobra. Cut to the final score, crack wise about Texas being back, move onto the Oklahoma game highlights against East Montana Lutheran State and how OU hung 70 on them.
Rinse
Repeat
For a decade.
This all falls on you, Steve. I know you didn't envision it going this way. I know what you THINK you were doing at the time was supposed to be noble and just and blah de fvcking blah. You knew what was best for the team and the fan base. You just knew we racist rednecks from Austin--- yes-- Austin (I repeated that because it needed emphasizing)--- we racist rednecks from Austin needed to be shown that a black man could, you know, coach football too....
Well no sh!t, Steve. You don't say? What about guitars? Can those black folks play guitars too? How about checkers? I bet black folks can play checkers, right Steve? But can they do the hokie pokie? Surely they can't do the hokie pokie Steve. I mean, no black person could EVER do the hokie pokie--- could they?
Steve sat all us racists down and explained to us that, yes, it was possible for a black man to actually be able to coach a major college football team. Heck, pretty much any black man can do it. JJ Walker from "Goodtimes" can do it. John Koffie from "Green Mile" can do it. Heck even Barack Obama can do it. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it--- right Steve?
So like the queen of England, Steve stood there with his crown and his sword and he knighted a poor guy named Charlie-- dubbed him the Duke of the 40 and stood back and watched Charlie and the University implode.
As if standing there and watching the Hindenburg burn and crash to earth after saying to the pilots "nah man, it's ok if people smoke on this flight" weren't enough-- Steve then turned to the racist rednecks from Austin and had the gaulle to say "well Charlie is failing because the fan base doesn't like that he's black!"
No Steve. That's not it. That's a race hustlers excuse for poor choices.
The reason the fan based didn't like Charlie has about as much to do with him being black as it did with what beverage of soft drink Charlie drank the most. Absolutely zero.
It had to do with the fact that we as fans know, you fvcking high-minded prick, that black men or brown men or green men, can coach.
But not EVERY black man or brown man or green man can coach well enough to do THIS job. But you, Steve, because you're enlightened, you're holier than the rest of us, you don't see race or creed or color-- because of YOUR insecurities, the power that was given to you gave you the audacity to PROVE to everyone else how racist you WEREN'T-- and it led to YOU being so insecure about your standing in life that YOU went and hired a guy, a decent, hard-working man, to come in and be the sacrificial lamb in your grand experiment of "look how un-racist and enlightened I am" telethon.
How badly did your ineptitude effect Charlie going forward? It ruined him. He lost all of his confidence. So much so that hes out of coaching completely. Know what he's doing right now Steve? He's an analyst. He sits in an office all day and all night and reviews tapes for Nick Saban at Alabama. He went from the head coach of one of the most treasured and sacred programs of all time, to riding a desk, alone in the dark, in a basement in Tuscaloosa.
Thumbs up Steve. Great job. You fvcking showed us.
Then you steal off in the night to go help run a hockey team in arizona-- think of the irony of that. Ice--- in arizona-- where you end up being ousted because your colleagues can't stand to be in the same room with you because, well, you perceive your brain to be so much more grand than theirs.
Steve, look--- most men, in their mid life, when they realize that their down stairs isn't really that impressive after all, and now the damn thing barely ever works-- they buy a corvette as a coping mechanism. They have sex with their secretary. They watch their wife with another man through a two sided mirror. You, little guy, decided to teach us all a lesson about YOU saw the world through your own insecure eyes. You projected your guilt and your garbage onto us. You ran and grabbed a decent man, whose life you also destroyed, to prove to US just how right you were. And this set off a chain of events, a domino effect, one tower crumbling mercilessly into another tower, on and on and the ripple effect is still resounding.
You, Steve Patterson are the reason that this university finds itself in its current situation. I went on record saying that if you were hired, it would take two decades to recover from the stupidity that you would rain down upon us.
We are only in year 7.
I pray I am wrong-- Urban Meyer would have been a start toward answering that prayer-- but YOU Steve--- you just peed on our ashes without even knowing it.
Good job asshole.
I feel like the old navy astronomer that discovered the asteroid coming to end the earth in the movie "Armageddon". Since he discovered it, it was his right to name it, and he chose to name it after his wife, Doris. "A life sucking b!tch from which there is no escape."
This was our asteroid. Patterson was its name. He cratered a once proud athletic department that at one time was named Sports Illustrated program of the year. We won national titles in baseball and football in the same calendar year. We had a final four team in basketball not long before that. We pumped out NBA and NFL first rounders like the creature pumped out eggs in "Aliens". Pro-bowl linebackers, defensive backs, offensive lineman, defensive lineman-- point guards, power forwards-- faces of NBA franchises. We were a force. A dominant force. We even produced arguably the best gold medal women's softball pitcher of, dare I say, all time.
But in one soul sucking blow, Steve Patterson leveled us like Nagasaki on a bad hair day. All in the name of what? Proving a point? What point did you actually prove, Steven? That an idiot can indeed blow up a tank just as easily with a well placed land mine as a terrorist can? Because that's what you did, you smarmy piece of navel lent-- you managed to not just derail one of the most successful athletic departments of all time-- oh no sir-- you went Sherman-esque and burned it down all the way to ocean. Then as a parting shot, you salted the earth where the ashes fell. Now the rest of the world takes joy in actually standing in line to pee on those ashes.
Don't believe me? Do a quick walk through on Twitter or in the media. Since your hire and subsequent early departure for a litany of fart sniffing level acts of dumbfvckery, this university has become the absolute butt of every joke imaginable in the world of collegiate sports. We've passed the level of punchline and moved on to the gutter. We are a meme now. Think about that. How long does something have to be funny or made fun of before it's reintroduced into the lexicon of society as a meme. That's the impact you've had on this university Steve-o. You were so "great" at your job that UT is now reduced to a fvcking meme. A once proud hand gesture of hands and horns held high has now been turned downward and used against us more than the ubiquitous middle finger is. Let me break down for the stoopids---
When you kick people's asses on the regular, they get tired of it. Eventually they know when you roll into town, it's BOHICA time. (Bend Over Here It Comes Again)
They hate you for it. They hate you because they want to beat you. Their hate can only be summed up by one simple hand gesture-- a mighty middle finger pointed right at you. That's frustration. That's a sense of helplessness. That's "they are better than we are and I can't fvcking stand it!".
That's the psychological dominance that we once had in the great arena of a football stadium.
Now, well now it's all gone. Whipping Texas' ass? Flash them a horns down. Score a last second TD to rip their hearts out? Give them a horns down on the way to the sidelines. Kick a FG to win in overtime? Horns down as they carry the kicker off the field. Sports channel wants to rub it in? Show fans in the stand flashing horns down and then, just to guild that lilly a bit more, show UT fans doing the surrender cobra. Cut to the final score, crack wise about Texas being back, move onto the Oklahoma game highlights against East Montana Lutheran State and how OU hung 70 on them.
Rinse
Repeat
For a decade.
This all falls on you, Steve. I know you didn't envision it going this way. I know what you THINK you were doing at the time was supposed to be noble and just and blah de fvcking blah. You knew what was best for the team and the fan base. You just knew we racist rednecks from Austin--- yes-- Austin (I repeated that because it needed emphasizing)--- we racist rednecks from Austin needed to be shown that a black man could, you know, coach football too....
Well no sh!t, Steve. You don't say? What about guitars? Can those black folks play guitars too? How about checkers? I bet black folks can play checkers, right Steve? But can they do the hokie pokie? Surely they can't do the hokie pokie Steve. I mean, no black person could EVER do the hokie pokie--- could they?
Steve sat all us racists down and explained to us that, yes, it was possible for a black man to actually be able to coach a major college football team. Heck, pretty much any black man can do it. JJ Walker from "Goodtimes" can do it. John Koffie from "Green Mile" can do it. Heck even Barack Obama can do it. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it--- right Steve?
So like the queen of England, Steve stood there with his crown and his sword and he knighted a poor guy named Charlie-- dubbed him the Duke of the 40 and stood back and watched Charlie and the University implode.
As if standing there and watching the Hindenburg burn and crash to earth after saying to the pilots "nah man, it's ok if people smoke on this flight" weren't enough-- Steve then turned to the racist rednecks from Austin and had the gaulle to say "well Charlie is failing because the fan base doesn't like that he's black!"
No Steve. That's not it. That's a race hustlers excuse for poor choices.
The reason the fan based didn't like Charlie has about as much to do with him being black as it did with what beverage of soft drink Charlie drank the most. Absolutely zero.
It had to do with the fact that we as fans know, you fvcking high-minded prick, that black men or brown men or green men, can coach.
But not EVERY black man or brown man or green man can coach well enough to do THIS job. But you, Steve, because you're enlightened, you're holier than the rest of us, you don't see race or creed or color-- because of YOUR insecurities, the power that was given to you gave you the audacity to PROVE to everyone else how racist you WEREN'T-- and it led to YOU being so insecure about your standing in life that YOU went and hired a guy, a decent, hard-working man, to come in and be the sacrificial lamb in your grand experiment of "look how un-racist and enlightened I am" telethon.
How badly did your ineptitude effect Charlie going forward? It ruined him. He lost all of his confidence. So much so that hes out of coaching completely. Know what he's doing right now Steve? He's an analyst. He sits in an office all day and all night and reviews tapes for Nick Saban at Alabama. He went from the head coach of one of the most treasured and sacred programs of all time, to riding a desk, alone in the dark, in a basement in Tuscaloosa.
Thumbs up Steve. Great job. You fvcking showed us.
Then you steal off in the night to go help run a hockey team in arizona-- think of the irony of that. Ice--- in arizona-- where you end up being ousted because your colleagues can't stand to be in the same room with you because, well, you perceive your brain to be so much more grand than theirs.
Steve, look--- most men, in their mid life, when they realize that their down stairs isn't really that impressive after all, and now the damn thing barely ever works-- they buy a corvette as a coping mechanism. They have sex with their secretary. They watch their wife with another man through a two sided mirror. You, little guy, decided to teach us all a lesson about YOU saw the world through your own insecure eyes. You projected your guilt and your garbage onto us. You ran and grabbed a decent man, whose life you also destroyed, to prove to US just how right you were. And this set off a chain of events, a domino effect, one tower crumbling mercilessly into another tower, on and on and the ripple effect is still resounding.
You, Steve Patterson are the reason that this university finds itself in its current situation. I went on record saying that if you were hired, it would take two decades to recover from the stupidity that you would rain down upon us.
We are only in year 7.
I pray I am wrong-- Urban Meyer would have been a start toward answering that prayer-- but YOU Steve--- you just peed on our ashes without even knowing it.
Good job asshole.
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